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Thread: Troubled teens

  1. #1
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    Troubled teens

    My wife and I were awoken to 'Mom, get up I hit Adam and now he can't feel his face'.
    I never thought I'd be posting this, but last night my wife took an ambulance ride with my middle stepson. His older brother had backhanded him and wound up breaking his cheekbone at 3am. They had been playing a video game, and after a wisecrack the middle son hit the oldest in a 'tender area'. and the older retailated.
    It was in the middle of a record setting storm, and so she called the emergency dispatchers and had the ambulance take them in to the emergency room for x-rays, and I had to go get them at 9am after getting a couple of fitful hours of sleep.

    I'm an only child, so I never had any sibs to rough-house with or on. I can 'understand' a certain amount of rough-housing, but this last episode has disturbed me quite a bit. I'm at work at the moment, making up for yesterday's 'snow' day now that the weather has cleared up.
    Everyone else involved is home sleeping last I knew. I'm really Not looking forward to going home this afternoon, which is really quite sad. crank up the good thoughts and other vibes please, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the oldest to find a place to stay for a few days, Not what I want to do, but we don't Have any other place for him to stay other than where the two of them share a bedroom. (other than the couch, but that's not separation to my mind) If my shop were insulated I'd put a cot out there, luckily for him it isn't.
    -Ned

  2. #2
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    yu can do it!

    well ned raisin kids isnt always fun we sometimes have to do thinigs we dont like but know is the best for them.. one thing you do need to do is somewhat punsh the other one as well.. it wasnt just the older ones fault takes two to tangle.. i know i had my licks from younger brother and gave him few as well but we almost always both got it in the end.. also you need to talk to both and make sure they know that even though they messed up badly you and your wife still love them,, either threw actions or in words or both prefered...dont look at comiong home a bad thing look at it as a another chance to make someone better! you can do it ned!!!
    If in Doubt, Build it Stout!
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  3. #3
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    i don`t know if throwing the boy out in a storm is the best choice....only you two can make that call.
    being the eldest of six kids i know we drew blood often and many stiches were involved in growing up. punishment in our house usually consisted of extra chores to be done in tandem with the one we were battling, at times we`d be made to stand "hugging" each other nose to nose for 1/2 hr too...
    all with the threat of a "whuppin`" if we didn`t comply..
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by larry merlau View Post
    well ned raisin kids isnt always fun we sometimes have to do thinigs we dont like but know is the best for them.. one thing you do need to do is somewhat punsh the other one as well.. it wasnt just the older ones fault takes two to tangle.. i know i had my licks from younger brother and gave him few as well but we almost always both got it in the end.. also you need to talk to both and make sure they know that even though they messed up badly you and your wife still love them,, either threw actions or in words or both prefered...dont look at comiong home a bad thing look at it as a another chance to make someone better! you can do it ned!!!
    And of course, I couldn't put all of what is going through my head in print... but it wasn't one sided of course. The trick is how to make them better isn't it?

    Quote Originally Posted by tod evans View Post
    i don`t know if throwing the boy out in a storm is the best choice....only you two can make that call.
    being the eldest of six kids i know we drew blood often and many stiches were involved in growing up. punishment in our house usually consisted of extra chores to be done in tandem with the one we were battling, at times we`d be made to stand "hugging" each other nose to nose for 1/2 hr too...
    all with the threat of a "whuppin`" if we didn`t comply..
    tod,
    It would be a temporary thing, until they could prove to me that they weren't going to throw down again, and honestly, it is for his protection to a point. his brother is Much more athletic and fights dirtier than he does.

    Chores will be a given, as well as other non-violent punishments. I have a feeling that both of their cell phones are going to be 'lost' for a few days, according to our carrier.
    -Ned

  5. #5
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    i to had similar things to do as tod mentioned but i was refraing from sayun everything i thought.. are these kids whole brothers or step kids? that always enters in to the mix to.. and just gettin rid of the cell phones wouldnt make a dent in the stuff, i had to do or go without when i screwed up and am sure tods up bringun wasnt any differnt..the new laws arent as you may perceive them ned, you can still spank them if they need it and wont go to jail even if the kids say you can.. the judges understand discipline is nesscary at times..and makes there job easier in years to come. most police are under the same thought patterns,, gettin outa control is another matter. but broken jaw is not a light offense to a brother.
    If in Doubt, Build it Stout!
    One hand washes the other!
    Don't put off today till tomorrow!

  6. #6
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    Ned,

    Seems easy to me, but that is always the case when it is someone else's problem. Take the video game away. Let them earn the privilege of having one. I am sure there are other nice things and activities they like that can be earned by behaving better. Reward good behavior and don't award bad behavior.

    I would not elevate this to the point of kicking the kid out. Like Tod, I am the oldest of 6 and we rough housed some. We also paid the piper if we went too far. Just make the punishment fit the severity of the crime. Easy to say, but hard to do, I know.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by tod evans View Post
    i don`t know if throwing the boy out in a storm is the best choice....only you two can make that call.
    being the eldest of six kids i know we drew blood often and many stiches were involved in growing up. punishment in our house usually consisted of extra chores to be done in tandem with the one we were battling, at times we`d be made to stand "hugging" each other nose to nose for 1/2 hr too...
    all with the threat of a "whuppin`" if we didn`t comply..

    I grew up one of 5, but my older brother used me as his punching dummy for years, his karate practice board, and many other things.
    I once retaliated with a dart from our dartboard, but the beatings only got worse.
    Brothers will be brothers, and you only hurt the ones you love.(2 in one sentence)
    Id give my brother my kidney if he needed it right now, so the childhood smackarounds didnt mean much to me, I chalked it up to having an older brother.
    I also knew where to run if someone bigger or older than me was picking on me. so in the end, I guess it all evened out.

    I dont envy you Ned.
    Having to deal with this, and all of lifes other nonsense at this time is just a bit more than anyone wants, and I feel your pain.
    I hope he understands the bigger picture, and how dangerous one little smack could actually be. (Im sure it shook him up also, to see his younger brother in the emergency room because of a silly act during a video game)
    I dont think its ever easy with kids. ever.
    Last edited by allen levine; 02-21-2009 at 07:51 PM.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ned Bulken View Post
    I'm an only child, so I never had any sibs to rough-house with or on.
    Ned,

    I'm the youngest of four brothers. You don't want to know what goes on between boys. It was a huge moment in my life when I was big enough to hit back.

    Now I raise sons.

    Two things. First, face it squarely. No avoidance. You're the big dog in this situation. Ok, be the big dog. Make them accommodate to you. Believe it or not, this is all about power relationships, in a very 'nature red in tooth and claw' kind of way. This is a good chance to teach non-violence, but only because you're way stronger than they are. There need to be consequences, and those boys expect them. Don't let them down.

    Right now, whoever did the hitting is feeling guilt and fear. Play on both. Take stuff away, Snarl when you do it. Break the cycle of violence, you're the only one who's strong enough to do that. I would sit them down and have a long talk. I'd ask each to tell the whole story, without interruptions. Whenever I do that with my boys, I learn a lot. They all have tricks and defenses, don't let them get away with them. The truth, the honest truth, without obfuscation or exaggeration.

    Once you've actually established the events, go on to the real causes. Why do they do these things (it's not the first time). Then you can ask them about consequences. In my experience, by the time you get to that, they're way harder on themselves then you would be. It gives you a chance to show moderation.

    Remember: you're the big dog. You have the power. Use it to break the cycle. And show them that strength also includes justice and mercy.

    Thanks,

    Bill

  9. #9
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    reminds me of what a friend of mine told me years ago, when she and her sister really got into it. thier mom grabbed the both of them by the scruff of the neck, hauled them into the kitchen, handed each a big butcher knife, and told them both to finish the fight, or to knock it off. after looking at thier mom like she had lost her mind, they both knocked it off. they still had thier disagreements, as sisters will, but not quite so violent.

    you said that the one who went to the hospital was the one to throw the first hit, and the one who took the hit got hit in a sensitive spot. if its where i think it is, he reacted without thinking, and may have swung with a bit more force than he thought he was using. we've all been there, and thought, oscar sierra (we can guess what that is ), i hit them harder than i thought i was gonna hit them. explain it to them that there are limits, and if they really want to go at each other, wait until the other heals up, and hand them the gloves so they can get it out of thier system.
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  10. #10
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    I do not have kids but I think that I agree with what Bill Lantry said.

    On the other hand making the kid sleep in a different bedroom is a wrong move in my opinion.

    This could lead him to do it again again in order to get a room for his exclusive use.
    Best regards,
    Toni

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