Duct Tape on the Headstone

Allen's post about death got me to thinking about a very unfortunate turn of events. As most everyone knows my sister was killed in a car accident a few years back and my parents were very distraught over the situation so I helped with the arrangements. (Hold on, this is NOT the unfortunate turn of events)

Now everyone knows I am cheap, and while its pretty cold to do scheming at such times, I just felt compelled to save a little money while doing the arrangements. Now I did not need enough flowers to sink a battleship, but I do plan on dying someday so I figured I might as well go ahead and buy my 6 x 4 feet plot of soil that I will take up until a meteor vaporizes this planet. (Cemetery plot). Now its not to hard to realize that the Mrs. will ultimately die too, so while I was buying all this stuff,I sprung for a headstone: one for me and the Mrs and one for my sister...a two for one deal don't you know.

Well that was fine until I got a divorce, so here is my problem. I got a very big, and wonderful stone that says Travis and Tina Johnson...the problem is, Tina is now sporting some other last name, and my new wife did not come with the convenience of having Tina as her first name. This leaves me in a pickle. I can do a few things I figure:

Please vote on the following:

Travis- you left out option #7, the granite cutting chainsaw.... to delete the unmentionable other T word. This thread is too funny Travis.

Could you convince wife #2 to change her name from Patty to Patina? Then you just have to add a couple of letters.

Exercising most of the options will ensure that you'd better have YOUR tombstone ready soon!!!

I'd agree with Bill, so might just have it split down the middle so you can save Patty some money on yours.

There is always cremation & scatter the ashes. then you don't need a plot & won't waste the space or the stone. Ashes to ashes dust to dust don't just lay around & rust.

You could take it back to Headstones R Us and see if they can grind both names off in a recessed rectangle then polish the floor of the recessed area. You then have a nice new surface to have your name engraved leaving Patty's off for now(just in case). Cost a little bit more than duct tape but will last until the meteor strikes!

whoa.....my post was about life expectancy, not about death!
look at how many people found out they are going to live long productive lives.

just bury yourselves from the waste down, you wont need any headstones.

My wifes family owns 100 plots, not down to 88. Ive had my spot picked since I got married. Just a lovely thought isnt it?

if there's thing that ires me, it's funeral homes & cemetaries. it's bad enough that families go through painful heartaches during those times, but it's doubly worse to know that those 2 "businesses" play upon those emotions. there's absolutely no excuse for it to cost nearly 8 grand to bury a loved one...and thats' cheap in todays market. caskets costing 3-5 THOUSAND dollars OR MORE..pathetic. cement vault= $2500 locally. it's all BS and enrages me to no end. the local undertaker bought out all but 1 competetor, and closed 'em down. he's after the last one now. same goes for a plot of ground that will cost ya over 100K an acre if bought enough to cover 64580 sq ft...paaaa-leeeze.
I'm for cremation.. but so many people are going that route, that even those cost have nearly tripled...
it's just plain wrong... YMMV

Touch a nerve James??? But I'm with you. I told my wife just dump me in a puka (hole) in the lava and walk away... it's a lot cheaper

James Edwards said:

if there's thing that ires me, it's funeral homes & cemetaries. it's bad enough that families go through painful heartaches during those times, but it's doubly worse to know that those 2 "businesses" play upon those emotions. there's absolutely no excuse for it to cost nearly 8 grand to bury a loved one...and thats' cheap in todays market. caskets costing 3-5 THOUSAND dollars OR MORE..pathetic. cement vault= $2500 locally. it's all BS and enrages me to no end. the local undertaker bought out all but 1 competetor, and closed 'em down. he's after the last one now. same goes for a plot of ground that will cost ya over 100K an acre if bought enough to cover 64580 sq ft...paaaa-leeeze.
I'm for cremation.. but so many people are going that route, that even those cost have nearly tripled...
it's just plain wrong... YMMV

Click to expand...

We lived in a small town for seven years whose main employer was a casket factory. Their business was death. Almost all my friends worked there, many in sales. Their attitude about the death business made me very jaded and, for a long time, in complete agreement with James.
That was until our son died. I wanted an inexpensive casket and low cost service. The rest of the family felt differently. We got a nice casket and complete service and crypt instead of plot.
The service really helped me a lot. I realized that a nice casket gave a degree of comfort to the family. I know it is an illogical thing at a time of vulnerability, but it did give them comfort and that is what counts.
The American style of handling death may be subject to some criticisms but, in my opinion, it is not all bad. We live in a retirement community, I attend way too many funerals. (yesterday I found a membership roster for a club I belong to, dated 1990, more than 60 members. Of those, I am one of only three still living.) The system, albeit expensive seems to work for most families.

Edit: I digressed again. didn't adress Travis' question at all but I'll vote.

Edit #2: I didn't vote. Or, vote for 'none of the above'. Git a new stone.

You could always put the word "Not" above Tina. I have a whole pile of Mason jars on the farm that the kids can put my ashes in.

I think the coffin is a bit ridiculous on price, but the vault is well worth it. Being from New England, we have lots of old cemeteries and back then there was just plain old wooden boxes. Nothing wrong with that, but over the years a lot of these old graveyards have long been lost. I got a few on me that only a few people know about..they aren't on any maps.

Well back in the old days they used to use gold and silver teeth for fillings, not to mention being buried with expensive broaches, pins and other jewelry. (Not rings...they did not become popular until WWII). Anyway let me just say that an old cemetery has some value in the here and now. Add to that these coffins have rotted out and sunk making depressions in the ground about 2 feet wide and 6 feet long...in other word X marks the spot. At least with a concrete vault it makes the last part of the digging go a lot faster.

I haven't seen much of this lately, but growing up I knew an old hermit that was pretty fond of old cemeteries, shovels and pawn shops. I saw him out in the woods one day with shovel in hand and I knew what he was doing. I never said nothing to anyone; he wasn't hurting anyone and I figure if he wanted to work that hard for some drinking money he was entitled to it I guess. Not my gig though...

I voted for #1 but I also think you should have it cut in half this way you can get 2 granite surfaces.

My choice would be to run it through the planer.

Frank Townend said:

My choice would be to run it through the planer.

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Heck Frank, if your going to go to do that much work might as well set the BS up with a little finer blade and resaw it into several thinner slabs. That way you can have a fresh surface for the names of choice and glue the rest on the TS so you can have one of those new fancy saw upgrades!!!

James Edwards said:

if there's thing that ires me, it's funeral homes & cemeteries. it's bad enough that families go through painful heartaches during those times, but it's doubly worse to know that those 2 "businesses" play upon those emotions. there's absolutely no excuse for it to cost nearly 8 grand to bury a loved one...and thats' cheap in todays market. caskets costing 3-5 THOUSAND dollars OR MORE..pathetic. cement vault= $2500 locally. it's all BS and enrages me to no end. the local undertaker bought out all but 1 competitor, and closed 'em down. he's after the last one now. same goes for a plot of ground that will cost ya over 100K an acre if bought enough to cover 64580 sq ft...paaaa-leeeze.
I'm for cremation.. but so many people are going that route, that even those cost have nearly tripled...
it's just plain wrong... YMMV

Click to expand...

My mileage doesn't vary much. I hate funerals. Personally I just don't get it. I keep telling the wife chop me up toss me in the outdoor boiler and throw a party. Any one starts bawling toss em out of the party. Hire a band,,preferably a loud one, Get a keg and lots of food. Hopefully it's summer and you can cook out.

Take anything she wants rid of and sell it off, One nephew gets anything he wants. If she doesn't want to sell it. Put it all in a pile, gather everyone who wants the stuff. Have them all circle around it and on the count of three its a free for to see who gets what.
Video tape the action and post it on youtube.

I don't do funerals. I've even had a talk with Mother about and I'm not going to hers. Her answer was "I'll be dead, won't matter to me" My Sisters on the other hand are just appalled that I'm not going. Mother has told them several times that its my wish and she is fine with it.

Cemetery plots? Headstones? Just a waste of money. The old man died in Oct of 89, I've never been to his grave. We didn't have a graveside service. I know what cemetery he is in but could for the life of me I couldn't show you where he's buried. My memories of him good and bad are in my head, Not some hole in the ground.

If you want to spend your money on that stuff, fine with me. I would rather spend that money on me and the wife now!

Sorry Travis I got sidetracked Bud,, Take the stone down and have them saw a zigzag cut down through the middle of it. Make a new half that mates up to it and set them together.

If nothing else it will be different, god for bid you get another wife, you just have to make one half.

Robert Mickley said:

My mileage doesn't vary much. I hate funerals. Personally I just don't get it. I keep telling the wife chop me up toss me in the outdoor boiler and throw a party. Any one starts bawling toss em out of the party. Hire a band,,preferably a loud one, Get a keg and lots of food. Hopefully it's summer and you can cook out.

Take anything she wants rid of and sell it off, One nephew gets anything he wants. If she doesn't want to sell it. Put it all in a pile, gather everyone who wants the stuff. Have them all circle around it and on the count of three its a free for to see who gets what.
Video tape the action and post it on youtube.

I don't do funerals. I've even had a talk with Mother about and I'm not going to hers. Her answer was "I'll be dead, won't matter to me" My Sisters on the other hand are just appalled that I'm not going. Mother has told them several times that its my wish and she is fine with it.

Cemetery plots? Headstones? Just a waste of money. The old man died in Oct of 89, I've never been to his grave. We didn't have a graveside service. I know what cemetery he is in but could for the life of me I couldn't show you where he's buried. My memories of him good and bad are in my head, Not some hole in the ground.

If you want to spend your money on that stuff, fine with me. I would rather spend that money on me and the wife now!

Click to expand...

I used to feel that way I guess, but the thing is you don't have any kids which changes EVERYTHING. I don't do anything for myself any more, and after 9 generations and 252 continuous years here, I am simply here to pass on the farm. Its not really "my farm", it is just under my control for the next 40 years!

That is the interesting thing about farms. You can have a business hauling gravel or wood, but when its all said and done, when the trucks and equipment are all gone you have nothing. A farm though...and kids...yep when you are retired, or long since dead...you still got something very special.

So I look at cemeteries differently. We got a lot of family here, 52 all together that are living, and many,many more scattered in cemeteries hither and wither. Its neat to travel through woods, hills and old roads to find a simple headstone in the woods to whom you are related, place some flowers nearby and honor a long line of DNA.

We have a missing cemetery here. My grandmother claims it exists and yet I have never found it on a map and felt what she described was on a different road a few miles away. Recently though I found out that it was sighted by airplane and may indeed exists, so before I die I will find this cemetery. It is in a rugged part of the old farm so its truly going to be a hunt. I plop some flowers in the ground, say a short prayer and honor them. Without a headstone, it would not be possible to do 200 years later.

I'm firmly in the "donate me to science" category. I wish i could be food for worms, but i'm not orthodox Jewish, so the state won't allow it.

About your predicament - Wow Travis, it's really etched in stone, eh?? Maybe your having her name carved on a headstone made her a might bit nervous about your not too distant "plans". "But honey, it was cheaper that way. No i wasn't at the insurance salesman's office the other day. By the way, what's your social security number again???"

short of setting a bronze name plackard over the "Tina" (and the "Travis" too so your thriftiness and marital misfortune don't become the stuff of legend), i think some home remedy involving dynomite or large firearms might help reduce the current stone the the gravel you need it to be.

Either that or you could sell it on ebay.

Paul Hubbman