Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19

Thread: The Chili CookOff.....

  1. #1

    The Chili CookOff.....

    If you can read this whole story without laughing,
    then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
    This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .


    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
    pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
    of the third judge is even better. For those of you
    who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
    They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
    Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
    of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .


    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
    Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
    called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
    be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
    directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
    came in. I was assured by the other two judges
    (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
    spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
    beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
    Judge 3."



    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
    Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.



    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

    **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

    I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.

    Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report

  2. #2
    Steve Clardy Guest


    Man that's a great one. Seen it somewhere before but can't remember where.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Tokyo Japan
    Posts
    15,582
    Classic, I've seen it before, but it still makes me laugh

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Southern Georgia
    Posts
    1,396
    Dennis,

    Nice way to make a first impression here. I had a hard time getting all the way through it, since I couldn't read through the tears in my eyes!

    Thanks...
    - Marty -
    Fivebraids, Inc.
    When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there’s no end to what you can’t do…

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Arena, Wisconsin
    Posts
    231
    I find that the language used here is crude and rude enough that I object to this type of post.

    Please know that there is no single word used here that I would wish to have banned from use on this forum, but all words can be used in contexts that are gratuitously colloquial and offensive or expressive of our critical thinking abilities.

    The use of the words and phrases;
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Peacock View Post
    Screw them.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Peacock View Post
    I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Peacock View Post
    My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Peacock View Post
    Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Peacock View Post
    …when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself...
    Are all used in a context that I find to be offensive.

    Sure, I could go to the local taverna right now, hear the same level of communication and not be offended one bit. I am capable of raising most any language-challenged redneck’s thoughtless oratory to a level that gives them pause while I either make my hasty exit or engage them in one more round, but the point IS…

    How do we wish to conduct ourselves on this forum???

    What level of decorum will we choose as appropriate here?

    Frank Chaffee

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    somewhere east of Queen Creek, AZ - South East of Phoenix
    Posts
    8,436

    Talking

    Frank,
    Lighten up

    "There’s a lot of work being done today that doesn’t have any soul in it. The technique may be the utmost perfection, yet it is lifeless. It doesn’t have a soul. I hope my furniture has a soul to it." - Sam Maloof
    The Pessimist complains about the wind; The Optimist expects it to change;The Realist adjusts the sails.~ William Arthur Ward

  7. #7
    Sheesh......Sorry Frank. I guess I'll stick to serious questions from here on out. My apollogies.

    Please delete this thread at my request.
    Last edited by Dennis Peacock; 11-04-2006 at 04:07 AM.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Southern Georgia
    Posts
    1,396
    Quote Originally Posted by Frank Chaffee View Post
    I find that the language used here is crude and rude enough that I object to this type of post.

    Please know that there is no single word used here that I would wish to have banned from use on this forum, but all words can be used in contexts that are gratuitously colloquial and offensive or expressive of our critical thinking abilities.

    The use of the words and phrases;


    Are all used in a context that I find to be offensive.

    Sure, I could go to the local taverna right now, hear the same level of communication and not be offended one bit. I am capable of raising most any language-challenged redneck’s thoughtless oratory to a level that gives them pause while I either make my hasty exit or engage them in one more round, but the point IS…

    How do we wish to conduct ourselves on this forum???

    What level of decorum will we choose as appropriate here?

    Frank Chaffee

    Frank,

    I find your response here VERY INTERESTING, espeecially in light of your response to a similar 'complaint' I attempted to lodge while we were still in our temporary home.

    Based on input from Denise, I questioned the appropriateness of a questionable joke that Don posted. Although innocent enough, Denise thought it had no business being posted on a 'family site'. You disagreed, with quite a well thought out explanation.

    Yet here you are, complaining about pretty much the same thing, minus the sexual overtones present in Don's joke.

    I'm not sure I know where you stand now. Have you had a change of heart?

    Confused...
    - Marty -
    Fivebraids, Inc.
    When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there’s no end to what you can’t do…

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    33.8736N, 117.7627W
    Posts
    435
    Quote Originally Posted by Frank Chaffee View Post
    I find that the language used here is crude and rude enough that I object to this type of post.

    Please know that there is no single word used here that I would wish to have banned from use on this forum, but all words can be used in contexts that are gratuitously colloquial and offensive or expressive of our critical thinking abilities.
    Good thing you've never seen the original text of this joke: it would make your head explode.
    Where are we going? And what am I doing in this handbasket?

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Arena, Wisconsin
    Posts
    231
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Peacock View Post
    Sheesh......Sorry Frank. I guess I'll stick to serious questions from here on out. My apollogies.
    Dennis,
    You have no need to apologize or in any way be contrite towards me. Humor plays an important part in our community interactions, and none of us, I expect, wishes to exclude that from our sharing.

    To reduce my post which questioned the level and expression of humor we wish to have here to a request for “serious questions”, is completely, I believe, missing the point I wished to make.

    Dennis, I brought up those specific points because this forum is very much in a formative stage of development; not because I wish to challenge or dis you, personally, in any way. What we are trying to create here is a clean thinking, sharp witted forum that stimulates persons of all ages today, and will continue to do so for quite some time. My own opinion is that gastronomic distress and the poorly expressed and thinly veiled euphemistic terms you used to describe it may not be the best language for us to use.

    Again, just throwing ideas and my opinion out for comment and consideration…

    Frank Chaffee

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 15
    Last Post: 09-10-2014, 08:25 PM
  2. Cowboy Chili
    By Don Baer in forum Off Topic Discussion
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 01-20-2012, 01:28 PM
  3. What's Cooking? Butt Chisel Chili
    By Cynthia White in forum Off Topic Discussion
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 02-14-2011, 02:26 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •