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Thread: Tools And Their REAL Uses

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Eastern Panhandle of West Virginia

    Talking Tools And Their REAL Uses

    Tools and their REAL uses

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
    flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
    chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
    that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
    fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
    the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ........"

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
    of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
    transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
    conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
    grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
    socket you've been searching for, for the last 45 minutes.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
    handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
    upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
    known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible

    future use.
    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
    to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
    called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
    vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
    benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
    about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,
    say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
    than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
    lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
    oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
    strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
    to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
    burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
    air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
    grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by
    someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to

    quickly snap off lug nuts.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
    is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make
    gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
    well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
    bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts

    Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    Thinking about a project without ACTION is just DAY DREAMING .

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Placitas, NM in the foothills of the Sandia Mt

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Hahahaha - You've been watching me at work

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Nice, those are some good ones.
    Rise above the rest

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    ABQ NM
    I've seen similar lists, but there were some real good ones on yours, Boyd. I do resemble a number of those remarks.
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson
    When the weird get going, they start their own forum. - Vaughn McMillan

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Nova Scotia's beautiful south shore
    Good stuff ! I think you have the beginnings of an encyclopedia of tool misery. Those tools which we scrape and save to acquire are very independant. They mangle our work and our flesh - what are they thinking ??
    All the best,
    Ian G

    **Now holding auditions for a catchy new signature**

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