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Thread: How to give a cat a pill

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    somewhere east of Queen Creek, AZ - South East of Phoenix
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    8,529

    How to give a cat a pill

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.


    Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

    Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.


    Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.




    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.


    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.




    Call spouse in from the garden.



    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.


    Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.


    Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.


    Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one cola to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.


    Get another pill. Open another cola. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    "There’s a lot of work being done today that doesn’t have any soul in it. The technique may be the utmost perfection, yet it is lifeless. It doesn’t have a soul. I hope my furniture has a soul to it." - Sam Maloof
    The Pessimist complains about the wind; The Optimist expects it to change;The Realist adjusts the sails.~ William Arthur Ward

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    somewhere east of Queen Creek, AZ - South East of Phoenix
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    How to give a cat a pill part 2

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink cola. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.


    Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.


    Take last pill from foil wrap.


    13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.




    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


    15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




    How To Give A Dog A Pill

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.
    Last edited by Don Baer; 05-12-2010 at 06:26 PM.
    "There’s a lot of work being done today that doesn’t have any soul in it. The technique may be the utmost perfection, yet it is lifeless. It doesn’t have a soul. I hope my furniture has a soul to it." - Sam Maloof
    The Pessimist complains about the wind; The Optimist expects it to change;The Realist adjusts the sails.~ William Arthur Ward

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Schenectady, NY
    Posts
    912
    Don Orr

    Woodturners make the World go ROUND

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Kansas City, Missouri
    Posts
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    I prefer to use peanut butter with my dog just to watch her lick the top of her mouth for 15 minutes trying to get it all unstuck.
    Darren

    To a small child, the perfect granddad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo.” – Robert Brault

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Midlands of South Carolina
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    271
    It was funny up until

    How To Give A Dog A Pill

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.

    Then it was Hilarious!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    NH
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    4,006
    They for got the best way
    Pick the appropriate caliber bullet, super glue pill to the tip of the bullet. Load bullet into appropriate gun. Now for the most important step. Let cat out and count to five aim and shoot.
    It could be worse You could be on fire.
    Stupid hurts.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    North West Indiana
    Posts
    6,099
    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck Thoits View Post
    They for got the best way
    Pick the appropriate caliber bullet, super glue pill to the tip of the bullet. Load bullet into appropriate gun. Now for the most important step. Let cat out and count to five aim and shoot.
    That's why they always die after I shoot them! I wasn't told to superglue the pill onto the end of the bullet!!
    Jon

    God and family, the rest is icing on the cake. I'm so far behind, I think I'm in first place!

    Host of the 2015 FAMILY WOODWORKING GATHERING

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    Amherst, New Hampshire
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    Now that was funny
    Faith, Hope & Charity

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Catalunya
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    4,632
    While all this is funny, just for those who have cats, the best real way is to crush the pill back to powder and mix it with something sticky i.e. butter, smear the paste on front paws of the cat, he'll lick it away to very last bit. Without any complaint.

    Sometimes is better to use our brain superiority, than our size or armament one
    Best regards,
    Toni

    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________________
    web site:http://www.toniciuraneta.com
    I also dream of a shop with north light where my hands can be busy, my soul rest and my mind wander...

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    North West Indiana
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    Toni, we have THE best cats in the world on our farm. They run away from you when you get close, they love to get a little food once a day, they mouse 24/7 and if they get sick, it is tough to get a shot on them.
    Jon

    God and family, the rest is icing on the cake. I'm so far behind, I think I'm in first place!

    Host of the 2015 FAMILY WOODWORKING GATHERING

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