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Thread: A Man's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

  1. #1
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    A Man's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

    [Unabashedly stolen from another forum...thanks Dave.]

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house...mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

    Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

    Depending on your age you might do the following:

    In your 20's:

    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30's:

    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    In your 40's:

    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

    In your 50's:

    Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'.

    In your 60's:

    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

    In your 70's:

    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

    In your 80's:

    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Break wind and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

    In your 90's & beyond:

    What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Do I have a garden? Where did I put it? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you?
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson
    When the weird get going, they start their own forum. - Vaughn McMillan

    workingwoods.com

  2. #2
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    Pretty funny...

    I'm at the stage where I put a shirt on over the dirty t-shirt and put a different hat on...
    Programmer - An organism that turns coffee into software.
    If all your friends are exactly like you, What an un-interesting life it must be.
    "A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of" Ogden Nash


  3. #3
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    I like it Vaughn
    The 60's pretty much nails it for me.
    Faith, Hope & Charity

  4. #4
    I know you didn't write it, but I think there's no 'e' at the end of Brut after shave.

    I'm getting old now... so I may have to get some. I always kinda liked the smell way back when it as either that, Skin Bracer (sp?), Old Spice, or English Leather.

  5. #5
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    I'm certainly in my 40's
    The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
    William Arthur Ward

  6. #6
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    No, not all of SoCal is Los Angeles!
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    A laugh to start my day. Thanks Vaughn.
    Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
    - Arthur C. Clarke

  7. #7
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    No need for a mirror. I know I still got 'it'.
    Hole in my shorts? I thought that breeze felt good down there.
    Cologne? I haven't owned a bottle of that stuff in forty or more years. Really.
    But I do have to be careful about flirting with the girls. They often are granddaughters of my friends.
    "Folks is funny critters."

    Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~Voltaire

  8. #8
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    No holes in clothes they may be dirty from work & if they don't like the color of my money I'll go elsewhere. If I want to feel popular I bring my to little dachshunds with me.
    "Forget the flat stuff slap something on the spinny thing and lets go, we're burning daylight" Bart Leetch
    "If it ain't round you may be a knuckle dragger""Turners drag their nuckles too, they just do it at a higher RPM"Bart

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bart Leetch View Post
    No holes in clothes they may be dirty from work & if they don't like the color of my money I'll go elsewhere. If I want to feel popular I bring my to little dachshunds with me.
    That pretty much covers it for me, too, Bart - except I have Schnauzers.

    No prep needed - just jump in the truck and go.
    Jim D.
    Adapt, Improvise, Overcome!

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bart Leetch View Post
    No holes in clothes they may be dirty from work & if they don't like the color of my money I'll go elsewhere. If I want to feel popular I bring my to little dachshunds with me.
    The last week I worked at Lowe's someone came in with their duck... it followed them all over the store... quacking and ---- you know --- all over the place....
    Chuck
    Tellico Plains, TN
    https://www.etsy.com/shop/TellicoTurnings
    My parents taught me to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder to find any.
    If you go looking for trouble, it will usually find you.

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