VERY Punny........

Stuart Ablett

Member
Messages
15,917
Location
Tokyo Japan
Sorry, I got to share this one, I was laughing so hard :rofl::rofl::rofl:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.


Police were called to a daycare where
a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


Did you hear about the guy
whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.


The roundest knight at King Arthur's
round table was Sir Cumference.


To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.


The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.


A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.


Thieves who steal corn from a garden
could be charged with stalking.


We'll never run out of math teachers
because they always multiply.


When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.


The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.


The professor discovered that her theory
of earthquakes was on shaky ground.


The dead batteries were given out free of charge.


If you take a laptop computer for a run
you could jog your memory.


The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.


What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway)


A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


A backward poet writes inverse.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.


With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.


Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft
and I'll show you A -flat miner.


When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine
was fully recovered.


A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.


You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.


A calendar's days are numbered.


A lot of money is tainted:
'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.


A boiled egg is hard to beat.


He had a photographic memory
which was never developed.


A plateau is a high form of flattery.


Those who get too big for their britches
will be exposed in the end.


When you've seen one shopping center
you've seen a mall.


When she saw her first strands of gray hair,
she thought she'd dye.


Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


Acupuncture: a jab well done.
 
AHem,

*Groan* to your puns, (which is high praise for 'good' puns)

and in riposte: (apologies to those who receive collateral punnage)


Have you heard about the cowardly dragon that didn't observe the Sabbath? He only preyed on weak knights.

The frustrated golfer drove over the river and threw the woods.

I refuse to converse while eating lamb. I will not mince words with ewe.

A good pun is its own reword.

A programmer was talking about topology and taking a rather heavyhanded viewpoint. A colleague said, "Wait a minute, there are two sides to everything," to which he replied, "Moebius, maybe no."

Puns are just some antics.

We trussed each other - let our marriage knot be undone.

Caution! Incorrigible punster (please don't incorrige).

After Mary Poppins was done with her film she went to California and became an expert at predicting people with bad breath. Her sign read, "Super California Psychic - expert, halitosis".

which reminds me of the following:

Mahatma Ghandi was a very inspriing and spiritiual man of course, but as a result of his chosen lifestyle he developed bad breath from his diet, and his feet were toughened from rarey wearing shoes. At the end of his life he could be described as :

a super fragile calloused mystic, cursed with halitosis.

Two American astronomers were visiting a French observatory. One asks the other, "Comet Halley view?"

As the master said to his confused disciple, "That was Zen, this is Tao."

Burlesque-show ad: Here The Belles Peel.

If you don't pay the exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Requesting more ice water in a Mexican restaurant, a man said, "Agua frio, pour some more."
 
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A backwards poet writes inverse.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.\

A baker's job is a piece of cake.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath

:type:
 
There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it." Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."
 
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