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Thread: Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Portland, Oregon

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

    This is WAY Too Funny

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another..

    The directions said that:

    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..


    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
    Jesus was a Woodworker

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    falcon heights, minnesota
    this reminded me of what happened to one of the guys that worked at the same paint store as the sis in law. the paint store was in a bit of a rough neighborhood (neighbourhood, for rob), and it didn't help that he suffered from lgs (that's lil guy syndrome larry). well, one day he started carrying one of the smaller tazers in his pocket. he kept it there since everyone who saw it, got a good chuckle out of it. well, after several warnings about how he was carrying it, the inevitable happened. he was getting out of his car, with the silly thing turned on, and he wound up zapping himself in a place where guys wouldn't readily agree to be zapped. he got rid of it the next day...

    moral of the story, you can't make it up fast enough....
    benedictione omnes bene

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Mountain Home, Arkansas
    Old one. Makes the e-mail rounds several times a year.
    "Folks is funny critters."

    Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~Voltaire

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Amherst, New Hampshire
    Old one or not it's the first good long laugh I've had in a long time. That was funny
    Faith, Hope & Charity

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    ABQ NM
    Minor point of correction...this describes a stun gun, not a Taser. The Taser shoots barbs into your skin. The barbs are connected to wires that supply the voltage to shock the snot out of you. The stun gun has the same effect, but doesn't shoot the barbs.

    I've intentionally hit myself in the thigh with a stun gun just to see what it feels like. The description this guy gives is pretty accurate.

    Back when stun guns first became available to the public, an ex-cop friend of mine who taught self defense classes bought one. Since they were new and pretty unknown, he decided he needed to test to see what the effect was, and document it for the class. He recruited three big guys from the martial arts school where he taught, and set up his video camera. The test subject (the biggest of the three, who was paid a case of beer afterward) had a strong guy on either side of him to hold him up. First a light shot to the arm. The arm jerked back. Then a medium shot to the thigh. The thigh jerked back and the test subject needed help staying upright. Then a full shot to the chest. It slammed, and I mean SLAMMED the test subject and his two spotters to the mat almost instantly. Good times, good times.
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson
    When the weird get going, they start their own forum. - Vaughn McMillan

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