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Thread: The Oil Change

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Portland, Oregon

    The Oil Change

    Oil Change: for Women:

    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

    2. Drink a cup of coffee.

    3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:

    Oil Change:$24.00

    Coffee: Complementary

    TOTAL: $24.00

    Oil Change: for Men:

    1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.

    2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

    3. Open a beer and drink it.

    4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7. Place drain pan under engine.

    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10. Unscrew drain plug.

    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

    20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    21. Drink beer.

    22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

    24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

    25. Begin cussing fit.

    26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

    28. Beer.

    29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    30. Beer.

    31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    32. Beer.

    33. Lower truck from jack stands.

    34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

    35. Beer.

    36. Test drive truck.

    37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    38. truck gets impounded.

    39. Call loving wife, make bail.

    40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

    Money spent:

    Parts: $50.00

    DUI: $2,500.00

    Impound fee: $75.00

    Bail: $1,500.00

    Beer: $20.00

    TOTAL: $4,145.00

    But you know the job was done right!
    Jesus was a Woodworker

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    ABQ NM
    After doing steps 1 through 36 enough times, I finally learned to change my oil like a woman.
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson
    When the weird get going, they start their own forum. - Vaughn McMillan

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Oceanside, So. Calif. 5 mi. to the ocean
    I may be a slow learner, however it took only one oil change at home to make me a devout convert to, "Let someone who has the equipment do the job."

    Enjoy, don't mess with oil and for gosh sake don't mess with DUI,

    First of all you have to be smarter than the machine.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Vancouver Island, Courtenay/Comox Valley, British Columbia
    Ah, yes, the story of my life........this scenario is a weekly event at my house, not just with an oil change but with brakes, wheels, you name it....
    AKA Young Grasshopper Woodworker
    AKA The Rookie

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Amherst, New Hampshire
    I've done the screwdriver through the stupid filter and curse way too many times
    Faith, Hope & Charity

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Thomasville, GA
    True story: A guy who worked for me (decades ago now) decided he was going to start doing his own oil changes to save money. One Monday morning, he told us his tale about going to the parts store for oil and filter. Got back home and drained the oil on the ground (pre-EPA, etc.). Changed filter. Removed oil fill cap and poured in five new quarts of oil. Removed dip stick to check oil level - nothing! Looked under car to see five new quarts of oil seeping into the ground. Cussed. Used wife's car to go buy more oil. Poured oil into engine. Checked dipstick - nothing! Yep, he finally got it right the third time around.
    Bill Arnold
    Citizen of Texas residing in Georgia.
    NRA Life Member
    Member of Mensa
    Live every day like it's your last, but don't forget to stop and smell the roses.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Delton, Michigan
    i know of a case where the oil was drained and the vehicle greased, the new filter put on and the wife came out took the vehicle to a family members house with no oil in it... the oil hadnt got put in yet as the guy was in the other part doing something else for a min and she wanted to go and did.. they added oil at the family members house which was only 6 miles away..
    If in Doubt, Build it Stout!
    One hand washes the other!
    Don't put off today till tomorrow!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Cape Cod, Ma.
    Wow that's a regular walk down memory lane! AHHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHA
    He who laughs last, thinks slowest

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Kansas City, Missouri
    I have a case that my son decided to do his own oil in my garage. Did a fine job too, he put the new on on, filled with new oil, and proceeded to leave, spraying oil all the length of my driveway. He did everything right, except the O-ring on the old filter stayed on the engine, he put the new one on and it left a 1/8" gap for the oil to spray out of. I got the call of "How do I start the power washer" response "Why???". 2 gallons of high concentrate degreaser, and 4 hours later we had most of it cleared off. Still didn't get all of the oil out, water shed off nicely for about 6 months.

    To a small child, the perfect granddad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo.” – Robert Brault

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    London, Ontario
    Quote Originally Posted by Dan Mooney View Post
    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube
    Oil Change:$24.00
    I realize the point of this post is humour... but is $24 seriously the price you pay at Jiffy Lube?
    I've used the local Jiffy Lube once or twice a number of years ago, but the price was far more than $24.
    I don't remember the exact amount, but it was high enough that I decided that I'd rather just go to the local Toyota dealer for those jobs.
    There's usually more than one way to do it... ........

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