The Oil Change

Dan Mooney

Member
Messages
1,920
Location
Portland, Oregon
Oil Change: for Women:


1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.


Money spent:


Oil Change:$24.00


Coffee: Complementary


TOTAL: $24.00



Oil Change: for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.


Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!
 
True story: A guy who worked for me (decades ago now) decided he was going to start doing his own oil changes to save money. One Monday morning, he told us his tale about going to the parts store for oil and filter. Got back home and drained the oil on the ground (pre-EPA, etc.). Changed filter. Removed oil fill cap and poured in five new quarts of oil. Removed dip stick to check oil level - nothing! Looked under car to see five new quarts of oil seeping into the ground. Cussed. Used wife's car to go buy more oil. Poured oil into engine. Checked dipstick - nothing! Yep, he finally got it right the third time around. :doh:
 
i know of a case where the oil was drained and the vehicle greased, the new filter put on and the wife came out took the vehicle to a family members house with no oil in it... the oil hadnt got put in yet as the guy was in the other part doing something else for a min and she wanted to go and did.. they added oil at the family members house which was only 6 miles away..
 
I have a case that my son decided to do his own oil in my garage. Did a fine job too, he put the new on on, filled with new oil, and proceeded to leave, spraying oil all the length of my driveway. He did everything right, except the O-ring on the old filter stayed on the engine, he put the new one on and it left a 1/8" gap for the oil to spray out of. I got the call of "How do I start the power washer"...my response "Why???". 2 gallons of high concentrate degreaser, and 4 hours later we had most of it cleared off. Still didn't get all of the oil out, water shed off nicely for about 6 months. :)
 
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube
....
Oil Change:$24.00

I realize the point of this post is humour... but is $24 seriously the price you pay at Jiffy Lube?
I've used the local Jiffy Lube once or twice a number of years ago, but the price was far more than $24.
I don't remember the exact amount, but it was high enough that I decided that I'd rather just go to the local Toyota dealer for those jobs.
 
I have a case that my son decided to do his own oil in my garage. Did a fine job too, he put the new on on, filled with new oil, and proceeded to leave, spraying oil all the length of my driveway. He did everything right, except the O-ring on the old filter stayed on the engine, he put the new one on and it left a 1/8" gap for the oil to spray out of. I got the call of "How do I start the power washer"...my response "Why???". 2 gallons of high concentrate degreaser, and 4 hours later we had most of it cleared off. Still didn't get all of the oil out, water shed off nicely for about 6 months. :)

A box of tide and a little gasoline will clean the oil off the driveway and leave it nice and white with just a little scrubbing... I had an old Chevy truck I inherited from my step father... sometimes it was a fill up the oil and check the gasoline when I drove it.... anyway I had a nice dark spot of oil drippings under the truck. A guy who road a Harley told me about the tide/gasoline trick... afterwards I had a nice normal grey driveway with a bright white spot where I parked the truck... (I found out the valve cover gasket was dripping oil... not burning any.)
 
There is, well, *another* potential sequence:

1. Wife decides, without mentioning it, to take a load of stuff to the dump. Involves #3 son.

2. Wife stops at jiffy lube like establishment along the way, because she noticed a sticker in the window saying truck was overdue.

3. Wife and #3 son hit Starbucks. Over coffee, #3 son says "I wonder why Dad always watches them work?"

4. Wife pays the establishment, and drives off, happy and responsible.

5. Three miles on, a very loud noise interrupts the peaceful voyage. It appears to have come from the engine.

6. Truck shudders to a halt. Picture the scene: Wife, #3 son, dead truck, load of junk in back, stuck in the middle of a six lane intersection, blocking all four ways.

7. Husband receives frantic cell phone call.

8. Several days and fifteen hundred dollars later, truck receives "new" used engine. Engine now worth more than truck. Load of junk still in back.

9. Husband drives alone to dump. Considers the nature of existence as he sweeps the now empty truckbed clean.

10. Wife takes husband out for margaritas. After three or four, husband thinks to himself "What a wonderful girl. She knows all the best places for margaritas!"

Don't ask me how I know! ;)

Thanks,

Bill
 
A box of tide and a little gasoline will clean the oil off the driveway and leave it nice and white with just a little scrubbing... I had an old Chevy truck I inherited from my step father... sometimes it was a fill up the oil and check the gasoline when I drove it.... anyway I had a nice dark spot of oil drippings under the truck. A guy who road a Harley told me about the tide/gasoline trick... afterwards I had a nice normal grey driveway with a bright white spot where I parked the truck... (I found out the valve cover gasket was dripping oil... not burning any.)

I used some left over portland cement and sprinkled it over the dark spots, they were gone in a day or so. It usually sucks the oil right up, also fills in any small voids nicely.
 
7. Husband receives frantic cell phone call.

8. Several days and fifteen hundred dollars later, truck receives "new" used engine. Engine now worth more than truck. Load of junk still in back.

Where is item 7.5: jiffy-lube corporate grovels and promises to cover all expenses? Or was there a 7.8: legal counsel intervenes...

Not that I'm asking you of course, since you told me not to!
 
Back before my wife and I got married her father was living in FL alone and was having some health issues so two of her brothers, her, and I flew down to move him back to Michigan. The plan was for her and I to fly him back, and for the brothers to drive his 2 vehicles. The future brothers-in-law decided they should change the oil. First step after acquiring the oil, filters, and beer was to drain the oil into the drain pan--one of those models that allows you to catch the oil and transport it to the store for disposal. Only they forgot to take out the plug that allows the oil to get into the container part and spilled about 3 quarts on the painted concrete carport floor. Then they decided they should clean that up and the closest soap they could find was car wash soap with wax in it. Of course they didn't get the residue of either off all the way.

I've walked on ice that was less slippery.
 
Some one here needs to explain to me what I'm doing wrong cause apparently my oil changes only take about 15 minutes.:huh:


1. wife always buys the filters and oil on sale and buys extra filters for each car so they are on the shelf when needed.

2. I have four 5 gallon metal containers to put the old oil in so wife can make one stop to dispose of the oil when she runs errands.

I just can't seem to understand what I'm doing wrong here? Can someone enlighten me?:dunno:
 
Some one here needs to explain to me what I'm doing wrong cause apparently my oil changes only take about 15 minutes.:huh:


1. wife always buys the filters and oil on sale and buys extra filters for each car so they are on the shelf when needed.

2. I have four 5 gallon metal containers to put the old oil in so wife can make one stop to dispose of the oil when she runs errands.

I just can't seem to understand what I'm doing wrong here? Can someone enlighten me?:dunno:

Ummm...the 12 pack of beer is what you've left off. ;)
 
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