Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: The wisdom of Steven Wright

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    somewhere east of Queen Creek, AZ - South East of Phoenix

    The wisdom of Steven Wright

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

    3 - Half the people you know are below average.

    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

    9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... but she left me before we met.

    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

    19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for yourname?

    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

    34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    And the all time favorite -
    35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
    "There’s a lot of work being done today that doesn’t have any soul in it. The technique may be the utmost perfection, yet it is lifeless. It doesn’t have a soul. I hope my furniture has a soul to it." - Sam Maloof
    The Pessimist complains about the wind; The Optimist expects it to change;The Realist adjusts the sails.~ William Arthur Ward

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Portland, Oregon
    One of my favorites is: "A Closed Mouth Gathers No Foot."
    Jesus was a Woodworker

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Oceanside, So. Calif. 5 mi. to the ocean


    First of all you have to be smarter than the machine.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Amherst, New Hampshire
    Thanks Don, Those were great.
    Faith, Hope & Charity

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada
    Whoever he is, I like this guy.

    The other member of Mensa, but not the NRA

    Everyone is a self-made person.

    "The thing about quotes on the internet is that you cannot confirm their veracity" -Abraham Lincoln

Similar Threads

  1. The Wit and Wisdom of Will Rogers
    By Dan Mooney in forum Off Topic Discussion
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-15-2011, 05:29 AM
  2. Read for wisdom
    By Dave Hawksford in forum Off Topic Discussion
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 04-07-2011, 01:41 PM
  3. Words of wisdom...
    By Bill Satko in forum Neander Woodworking Q&A
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-04-2011, 12:53 AM
  4. Wisdom passed down
    By Darren Wright in forum General Woodworking Q&A
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 01-11-2011, 09:22 PM
  5. In my infamous wisdom
    By Bill Simpson in forum Off Topic Discussion
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 01-24-2009, 05:03 PM


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts