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Thread: Colonoscopy Humor

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Bedford, NH

    Colonoscopy Humor

    Sorry for the length of this, but it is an email I just received. It is funny though & keeps the reader "moving" along. Having recently experienced this procedure myself, I can relate to it, although not look forward to it.

    Colonoscopy Journal:

    I called my friend Andy, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies:

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    And the best one of all:

    12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
    Thoughts entering one's mind need not exit one's mouth!
    As I age my memory fades .... and that's a load off my mind!

    "We Live In The Land Of The Free, Only Because Of The Brave"
    “The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living."
    Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." Winston Churchill

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Los Angeles, CA
    That was funny, Al.
    Chinese Proverb: Man who eats many prunes gets good run for the money.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Outside the beltway
    That's funny. I got to go in for an upper and lower. Not making plans yet. ......
    I dream a lot. I do more painting when I'm not painting. It's in the subconscious.
    ::: Andrew Wyeth :::

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Oak Harbor Washington on Whidbey Island
    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammad Madha View Post
    That was funny, Al.
    From a man with this foot note...

    Chinese Proverb: Man who eats many prunes gets good run for the money.

    Of course your right Mohammad.
    "Forget the flat stuff slap something on the spinny thing and lets go, we're burning daylight" Bart Leetch
    "If it ain't round you may be a knuckle dragger""Turners drag their nuckles too, they just do it at a higher RPM"Bart

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Reno, Nv
    Had my first (and I hope only) 2 years ago. I told my Gastro doc that he was violating my tattoo..."What tattoo?" "The one back there that says " Exit Only"" "Don't laugh...I've seen quite a few of those!"
    Your Respiratory Therapist wears Combat boots

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Reno, Nv
    Quote Originally Posted by Bart Leetch View Post
    From a man with this foot note...

    Chinese Proverb: Man who eats many prunes gets good run for the money.

    Of course your right Mohammad.
    What about "Man who fart in church sit in own pew"?
    Your Respiratory Therapist wears Combat boots

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Amherst, New Hampshire
    I haven't laughed so hard in a long time
    Faith, Hope & Charity

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Oceanside, So. Calif. 5 mi. to the ocean
    Heck. I sopped up two Kleenex with laughter tears. I'm not sure when the tear leakage started; I just know it was before the space shuttle part.

    My chest hurts and my tear ducts are thoroughly flushed. Thanks a million for posting.

    For any of you nervous nellies---I've been through it twice. It is really a piece of cake except for having to drink that yuch stuff.

    Dare I say, Enjoy,
    First of all you have to be smarter than the machine.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Tellico Plains, Tennessee
    I want to know why everyone else got anesthesia with their colonoscopy??.... I had one in Houston a number of years back, the doctor had me do the prep before hand, then when I got to his office, he put me on a stainless steel table that I think he stores in a local freezer, turned me on my left side, I swear he used a hose 4" in diameter... at least that was what it felt like... he kept telling me he need to pump some air in... I swear afterwards I felt like a balloon that had been inflated and then someone let go of the neck of the balloon.... if I had weight any less, probably would have flown around the room....
    Tellico Plains, TN
    My parents taught me to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder to find any.
    If you go looking for trouble, it will usually find you.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Wisconsin Dells, WI
    Thanks for that Al. I go in on the 21st for my first. So Thursday I will be prepping.

    Can hardly wait.............................................. ....TILL IT'S OVER!!

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