Crazy Thoughts-Thinking about Leaving

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Well these are some crazy thoughts I know, but I gotta tell you, lately I've been thinking about leaving. Not FWW mind you, I would never do that, but leave Maine and head west.

Its crazy because by most people standards I got it pretty good. A spot with no crime, 402 acres of land, a nice home now that my addition is built, a decent shop, and so on and so forth. Hell I build some of the best built yachts afloat so my job is good and I even got a pretty wife and cute daughter...

But, I just ain't happy.

Poor English I know, but that's the way I feel lately. The wife and I just aren't getting along, and while Alyson is a bright spot, and leaving her would be hard, I have a friend in Oregon that thinks I could do some good there. I m not sure what Sutherlin, Oregon is like, but I can't help but day dream about about it some.

Have you guys ever thought like this. Just leaving, starting over and seeing what happens. Not very responsible I know, and I would be giving up so much like land, tractors and whatnot, but there is no getting around the fact that if you want change, you gotta make change. A move to Oregon would certainly be a big change in my life.

Part of me says this is crazy, I could never leave my family, my property or even Maine for that matter, but it would also be neat to see what I could do on the west coast. I am pretty proud of what I accomplished here in 33 years, it would be cool to see what I could do with my new roots sucking up Pacific water instead of the Atlantic waters.

Early mid-life crisis I guess, but I would like to hear from the people that day dream about this, just to confirm that I am not completely insane and irresponsible. For those that have actually done something like this, I would like to hear how it worked for you, or didn't work if that is the case. Just crazy thoughts I know, but I thought I would share and see where this thread goes.
 
I could not do it, the thought of another person being called "Daddy" by MY kids would kill me.

Everything else in your life is replaceable, fixable, changeable, but you only get one shot at raising your kid, you made her, now be a real man and stick with raising her, you will not do anything as important in your life as this, screw it up, and you WILL regret it till the day you die.

Suck it up Dad.

Blunt enough? :D
 
Travis,

As I read through your post I was thinking, "man, great adventure". I did something very similar 13 years ago and I'd love to relate my story to you. Then I read the paragraph on your family and started to get a chill. Then I read Stu's response and my chill turned into a full scale shudder.

If you want to pick up and move cross country WITH your family in tow let me know and I'll tell you how I did it and how it worked out. If you're thinking of walking out on your family please count me out as I would have trouble sleeping at night thinking I might have encouraged you in any way.

You really need to clarify this point for us as I doubt you will find much support here at FAMILY Woodworking for leaving home and family behind. I'm hoping we have misunderstood your message.
 
Travis, I very nearly did exactly what you are talking about. My mid-life crisis I guess. Thankfully I returned to my senses and I was able to see the reality of the "dream" I had been envisioning. Utter fiction, and I would have been most miserable. I've always tried to live by the credo, "If you aren't happy with what you are doing, you ain't doin' the right thing.", but this doesn't apply to families. Jobs are there to be had just about anywhere, and relocation isn't always a bad thing. But what would you have to give up, and what would you get in its stead? Much to think about here. Walking out on a family just isn't an option in my book, so I can't help you there. Like I said, I thought about it and almost did it, but am so very thankful I didn't follow through. I know, the divorce thing is rather common place any more. Heck, 3 of my 5 kids are, or are getting, divorced. And they are all suffering the consequences. The bottom line is that (in my opinion) you are anly looking at treating a symptom when you should focus on the actual cause of that symptom. Do some soul searching and try to identify the real problem. When you do, address that. And by all means, take your time in doing so. This is not something you want to rush into, my friend.

That's my advise, but remember, advice is free, and you often get what you paid for. ;) Oh, and I usually say the best advise I could give you is not to take my advice. But I really can't say that this time. I honestly believe that you would regret the action much more than you can imagine. You guys will be in our prayers.
 
Since you asked... leaving your wife and daughter should NOT EVEN AN OPTION you would daydream about...:bonkers: Good grief, man. If you had written you were thinking about moving your family to Oregon, I'd have been reading with interest. Hopefully I'm just reading this wrong.
 
Travis....what Stu said! Continue to be the great father to Alyson that you've already become. The stories and pics you've shared about Alyson prove that you are.
 
Travis I am new to this WW family and though you don't know me I have been there and back and have all the battle scares and the legal bills to prove it. Travis it is easy to run from your problems but it is not the solution, as your problems will always still be there. Moving is not the answer as I have done that. I would strongly suggest that you and your wife get into councilling and work on what ever problems that you have. You have what sounds like a wonderful life and family. Fight for that. You owe this to your daugter. A friend gave me a little plaque years ago when my first was born that said " any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy" I still have it hanging on my wall and will pass it on to both my sons when the time comes. I have two boys that I spent 7 years fighting for in court and they now live with me (15 and 17). I missed some of their lives and I regretably will never get that back. Trust me you do not want to go down that road. Your family is the most important thing in your life and you owe it to them and yourself to fight as hard as you can to pull it all together. No matter what your problems are they can be worked out and together as that is what families do. Family is "the " most important thing in our lives and sometimes we loose site of that in this hussling world. Sometimes we need to stop and smell the flowers and hear the rain as they might not be there tomorrow.
 
Travis..........Whew man! Think this one over really long and hard!

I have this theory........A man and wife stand in front of a preacher or judge and say "I do....until death do us part..." Hog wash! It's until one of them gets fed up and hires a lawyer. But kids.....man if you have any conscience at all.....that is truly " 'til death do us part!" The LOML and I have had our problems over the years....not many but like everyone, we have had our fights. 16 years ago she developed a rare cancer. For 10 nights in a row while we waited to get her into the University of Washington Medical Center for some pretty extensive surgery, we sat at the top of the Lewiston Hill and watched the sun set and the sun rise. I realized what a lonely soul I'd be without her in my life. Yeah we've had our fights and disagreements but she's my friend, lover, mother of my kids....grandmother...great grandmother.... My two oldest kids are mine by adoption. My wife is older than I and she was a young blonde divorcee when I met her on a blind date. On that first date I asked her what she was looking for in life expecting "a white knight to whisk me off into the sunset" as an answer. Her answer was "a good father for my two children". On our 3rd date 2 days later I asked her to marry me. Two months later we married. Next month we celebrate our 39th anniversary and I can honestly say I love her more today than I did 39 years ago....even if we did fight like cats and dogs the first 18 months....We both had a lot of growing up to do......2 1/2 years later I adopted those 2 children and we had 1 one more. I have 3 children......The two oldest were 3 & 2 when we married. Two years ago I helped them locate their biological Dad. They felt him out as to what kind of, if any, a relationship he would like to have. They still call me Dad and they don't call him. Sweat and tears are thicker than blood!

Leave my wife.......I don't know.......Leave my kids...NEVER!

We've had the normal problems with our 3 kids some of which would be hard for a lot of folks to handle but we managed to get through them. THe good news is all 3 are good adults contributing to society. All 3 kids have moved home at least once temporarily as adults. They are all welcome to do so again if the need arises. It's never pleasant but survivable.

Leave my wife, my friend, my lover.....NEVER......Leave my kids....NEVER

I'd think about this one long and hard. You have to sleep at night!
 
The things said above sound good but sometimes things are so bad that both husband and wife would be better off with some sort of change and as a result, if things work out well, the kids can also be happier not living in a home where bad things are happening. Only you know the answer.
 
This is about the most personal situation possible. No one can step into another's situation and understand what is happening. The chemistry between a man and a woman is understandable only by those two. In my marriage there have been times I felt the best thing to do would be to end the relationship. But, I remained because of the children and am grateful I made that decision. Not because of the marriage but because we held the family together and at my point in life I am enjoying the rewards of seeing the next generation happy with their families.
The only advice I'll offer is, if you have a church in your life, do get counseling from your Pastor.
 
Come on, guys, this is Travis we're talking to. He's been waiting all summer for the snow to come, so he can ride his snowmobiles some more. Now it's finally arriving, but things are never as good or bad as we expect them to be, and while the woods may look like a wonderland, it still doesn't change the nature of existence... ;)

Besides, Travis often gets crazy ideas that he entertains for a week or two before rationality returns. Remember the silage pile? ;)

Travis, take it from me, who have lived in 14 cities on two continents: if you think changing places leads to a change in situation, you're misthinking. Whereever you go, there you are! ;)

Dash Hammett had an interesting view on this one. He tells the story of a man who lived somewhere in Washington (Seattle, maybe?). He had a steady job, a wife and two kids. One day, he was walking down the sidewalk, and some workmen accidentally dropped a beam from the building they were working on. It *barely* missed him. The whole thing freaks him out, he decides to change his whole life, and he simply disappears. Years later, a detective hired by his wife finally tracks him down. And guess what he's doing? He's living in another city in Washington. He has a steady job, a wife, and two kids. Here's what Hammett has to say about him:

"He adjusted himself to beams falling, and then no more of them fell, and he adjusted himself to them not falling."

If you're interested, you can read the whole incident here: http://www.newpartisan.com/home/hammetts-parable-of-the-falling-beams.html

The point is that nothing really changes, we all have to grapple with our own inner demons, and the big thing is to not to do anything hastily, and certainly not irrevocable. We will, all of us, feel better next week. Is there a point to anything? Of course not: we're all like Sisyphus, just rolling the rock up the hill. But there are small pleasant things along the way. When I woke up this morning, young James was tugging at the covers, saying "Dad, wake up, your coffee's ready." The smile on his face was worth all the indignities and frustrations I'll suffer today... ;)

All this just to say: hang in there, Travis. It will get better. Besides, what's in Oregon? Lots of trees, it's cold, and it's damp. But not cold enough, or damp enough, to produce much good snowmobiling... ;)

Thanks,

Bill
 
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This January will be 49 years married.

Had major problems

Mother-in-law lived with us 15 years she was Invalid required constant care. Sometimes believed she milked it to her advantage.
She had a bell that would ring when needed attention. 5 out of 7 nights a week that bell would ring 45 minutes after we would go to bed..............think to this day, she didnt want me sleeping with her daughter, and would come up with every excuse to get me to hit the trail.

I HATE BELLS...................................

We raised 5 children in the mean time. Mother-in-law tried to be the head of the household, major blow outs with her and the wife.

4 of our children lived with us to get start in life when they adults
total combined years 15

That leaves 19 years of just my wife and me. Some where along the way we picked up 17 grandchildern.

Shoot outs............you bet.........serveral times she wanted to leave
me too...........

We "SUCKED IT UP" and learned to comprise. Now our love has
grown to what it was when we were first dating.

Dont get me wrong there are days when one or the other has to bite the bullet and "suck it up, one day at a time" come to the conclusion that is the way it will be when we celebrate 0ur 75th

Just my .02 cents
 
From way back in time to a college psychology class.... I believe the desire to go elsewhere in an attempt to change ones life is called 'flight of fugue'. Any pro shrinks here to expand or correct that?
I have long jokingly said that marriages would improve if the marriage license was only valid eleven months out of each year. Sometimes a breather can be good if kept in perspective.
The aborigenes take long 'walk a bouts' every year. Maybe not a bad idea for more people.
Whatever, all the best, Travis.
I believe this thread is causing a lot of us to reflect on our own lives and life in general.
 
As someone that married and divorced the same woman TWICE:bang::bang::bang: :rolleyes:, I can only say that a persons got to do what a persons got to do. When I remarried my first wife it was because of the kids and a misbegotten hope that we could work things out. After another year or so of an unhappy relationship I ended things permanently. My child support was always paid on time and I saw the kids at least every other weekend – I couldn’t have done the across the country deal. My kids are in their 30’s now and I think we have a better relationship today than we would have had if the Ex & I stayed together.
My advice is to think real hard about this because there’s no turning back and people will be hurt.
 
Travis,
speaking as a relative newlywed, but long time Significant Other with my wife (we were engaged 7 years before we got hitched, plus long history before that).
You have something that I would truly love to have: your own child with your wife. I'm a step-dad to three absolutely terrific boys, but at the end of the day If I could change anything about my life, that would be one thing I'd fix. Lori and I have decided not to try for any more kids, looking forward to the empty nest someday (11+ years down the road). There may be other plans in store for us, but if we have our druthers we'd ruther not start the whole baby cycle again.

My life is full of daily challenges, and while I'm happy, there are always things I would like different. Even Lori and I don't always see eye to eye, if it gets bad enough we have a high volume discussion, then kiss and make up.

Count me as another in the 'if you're looking to relocate, that's fine, but take the LOYL and Allyson with you' camp.

All the best to you and yours, take a step back reassess and find the solution to the current wanderlust.


I've always been a 'gypsy' since I got out of college. I've had several road-jobs, from Professional Driver to road-warrior photographer whose territory was 'yes' (anywhere in the continental US) but Lori was always a constant in my life. I spent 10 years on the road seeing the country and then a bit more of it. I still hear the call of the highway, but I've decided it is time to settle in and raise my family with the LOML. I've heard the call, and answered it a time or two, but I've also found settling down with Lori to be a great thing. Someday I hope to relocate With her and our youngest to 'someplace warm' (Her idea, I'd be happy up in Maine myself)
 
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Now I aint recommending you up and leave the family, if you've got to go somewhere Oregon is a mighty fine choice. I lived there for 4 years and it's maybe the most beautiful place I've been, and I've been to maybe 35 of the 50 states. Dont know where Sutherlin is though. Wait til early next summer and take them both there for a vacation. Hope everything works out to put a smile back on your face.
 
Travis, one of the things I do when I am not spinning wood is counsel people. Not everyone knows this about me (a bunch more will now!), but I have a Masters Degree in Biblical Studies and two years of post grad work in marriage and family counseling. I've been dispensing advice for almost 25 years now. Three words.

DON'T DO IT!

Marriage is work - hard work. It is also worth it, and your daughter needs a father who is there and who loves her. Splitting a family causes pain and misery on a level that often cannot be comprehended until one is in the middle of it. It also cascades, spawning generations of people who start using that as the solution to just about any problem there is.

All I know is what I have read so far, but it sounds to me like you just need a little bit of a change, not a drastic change. Take your wife on a marriage retreat weekend or something like that. Talk to her about some of the things you are feeling, but don't go scaring her. Find a LOCAL friend in whom you can confide, one who you can trust to give you good advice.

I've been married to my wife for close onto 24 years now, and there have been tough times and good times. We all get the itch to change things drastically, but when we do, we find out that most stuff doesn't change, and usually the only drastic part is the negative consequences that arise. You've got too much to lose on a "greener grass gamble".

Bill
 
An observation for you to consider, Travis, with your daughter in mind.
I serve on the Arkansas Board of Nursing. A big part of my various duties involves sitting in hearings, much like court trials, for nurses who have had problems. These are usually things like abuse, neglect, and the biggie, substance abuse and falsifying records so they can steal drugs.
There is one inescapable constant with these (99.99% female) nurses. Broken family histories. Came from broken families and marry into unstable relationships resulting in multiple divorces. It all started with the family they came from. Stability today will mean stability for generations.
 
Travis,
A different perspective here. My parents divorced when I was 6 months old. I have seen my "father" twice in my lifetime. I don't know much about him. But I do know growing up being considered a bastard was not fun.

To answer your question - no, I've never thought about leaving my family.

Wes
 
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