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  1. #1


    The following was sent me by my brother-in-law.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it Smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,Splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you Were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them Somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also Removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers In about the time it takes you to say,
    'Yeou _ _ _....'

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
    Rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the Creation of

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert Minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable Motion,and the
    more you attempt to influence its course, the more Dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off boltHeads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer Intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the Conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable Objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
    inside The wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars andMotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that
    9/16 or Socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to Launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground After you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
    Under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an Automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any Known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
    future Use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most Shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum Tensile strength of
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that Inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under Lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your Shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to Convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning Power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by Hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which
    were last Over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip orBracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard Cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
    contents such as Seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, And rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only While in use.

    DADGUMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling 'DADGUMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that You will need.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Hammer240.jpg  

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Reno NV
    It's a keeper. Printing it out and posting in the shop
    Programmer - An organism that turns coffee into software.
    If all your friends are exactly like you, What an un-interesting life it must be.
    "A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of" Ogden Nash

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    ABQ NM
    Great list, Jerry.
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson
    When the weird get going, they start their own forum. - Vaughn McMillan

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Vaughn McMillan View Post
    Great list, Jerry.
    Thanks, Vaughn.

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