Caught this on the Australian WoodForum board. Tool usage explained. Amazingly many apply to me.
Big Black Dog: Not a tool as such, but extremely useful at deterring AVICs (annoying visitors and impatient customers) from entering the premises.
Butane Torch: Used almost exclusively for setting thinners-soaked rags and tool receipts alight. Also indispensable for burning valuable antiques when attempting to remove broken screws.
CA Glue: Used very discreetly to stick the thoughtlessly placed car keys and/or mobile phones of AVICs to your most hallowed and private of spaces – The Workbench.
Compressor: A machine for drawing energy produced in fossil-burning power stations and transforming it into an airstream that travels by hose, usually to a fairly destructive implement which you know you should learn to manage without.
Coping Saw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked and unpredictable motion. The greater the attempt to influence its course, the more dismal the outcome.
Disc Sander: A machine capable of hurling delicate pieces of wood into obscurity at the speed of light. Can also instantly remove fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses. Occasionally used for blackening end grain.
Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes, but also works exceedingly well for drilling through plasterboard and into water pipes and live electrical cables.
Hacksaw: See Coping Saw.
Hammer: A device originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a type of divining implement to exactly locate vulnerable wood in the proximity of the targeted object.
Hydraulic Pallet Truck: Used for conveying newly purchased machinery into the workshop and, after removing the transport packing timbers, lowering it to the ground thus firmly trapping the jack handle.
Two Metre Pine Stud: Used for levering woodworking machinery up off a firmly trapped pallet truck.
Tweezers: A tool for removing pine splinters from the hands and inner arms.
MIG Welder: A good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin', which is not otherwise found in darkened garages. The ultimate machine for tanning those exposed areas of skin such as the forearms, ears and the open-neck “V” on the chest: the look so beloved of wives, on the beach and in the bedroom.
Health benefits aside it is also quite useful for marrying items of metal, though seldom attractively or successfully.
Old Stanley 20 X 1/2 Inch 'Screwdriver': Undoubtedly the best implement for removing self-tapping screws and dog ???? from the cleats of one's boots. Also, inexplicably, it has an accurately machined tip on the end opposite the handle, almost certainly conceived as an excellent opener of paint tins.
Paring Chisel: An exceedingly good tool for ruining fine cabinetwork and adding to the collection of scars on the average woodworkers left thumb.
Pedestal Drill: An upright machine useful for snatching short lengths of wood (or flat metal bar) from the operative’s hands thus causing bodily injury and/or damage to expensive polished surfaces.
Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.
Pliers: Used for rounding off bolt heads and creating blood blisters.
Portable Belt Sander: An ingenious machine for quickly but chaotically disposing of the horrid woolly jumpers the mother-in-law keeps insisting on knitting for you each Christmas.
Spindle Moulder: Used for hurling chunks of wood across the workshop and scaring the bejaysus out of AVICs.
Stanley Knife: A simple device used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. Also quite adept at making incisions in the upper thigh region.
Surface Planer: See Spindle Moulder.
Thicknesser: Used for reducing very expensive and highly prized timber into horse bedding or garden mulch.
Vise-Grips: A more sophisticated tool for rounding off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also assist in transferring intense welding heat to the palms of the hands.
Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British vehicles and machinery, but are now used mainly for driving bushes and bearings.
Workshop Stove: An age old device for reducing to ash, all the currently unfashionable furniture that in fifteen or twenty years is guaranteed to be worth as much as a small car for your daughter, or a holiday abroad.