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Saying Goodbye

Ted Calver

Ted Calver

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Yorktown, Virginia
Just said goodbye to a lifelong friend for whom I was medical power of attorney. She went in for some supposedly routine female incontinence surgery following which things turned badly. A bowel was perforated, resulting in sepsis. Afib cranked in, uncontrollable blood pressure, a fungal blood infection, fluid in the chest cavity and deterioration of alveolae in her lungs etc.. She suffered on the edge of consciousness for days while the doctors tried to fix her poor little 87 year old body, and during a lucid moment asked me how many more hours she had to endure, because she wanted to go. I consented to stopping active treatment and they put her on a morphine drip and moved her to palliative care. Six hours later she passed.
IMHO How and when a person chooses to die should be an individual choice and not the subject of medical, moral, community or religious debate. One should not have to pull a trigger, jump from a building, put on a noose or wear a plastic bag full of noxious chemicals. One should be able to pop a couple of pills and gently slide into darkness with a smile of relief on their face.
 
Sorry for your loss, Ted. You're a good friend to take on such a responsibility.

My wife and I have joked about buying land up in Oregon just for the reason of making our end of life decision on our terms. Our son has been wanting to buy land there, so may have to go in with him on an investment for just such a cause.
 
My condolences, Ted. I lost a friend due to a similar surgical mistake that snowballed on him and his caregivers. You were a great friend to shoulder the responsibility of making the decision you were asked to make. And I'm in agreement with you on the idea of going on one's own terms.
 
Ted Calver said:
Just said goodbye to a lifelong friend for whom I was medical power of attorney. She went in for some supposedly routine female incontinence surgery following which things turned badly. A bowel was perforated, resulting in sepsis. Afib cranked in, uncontrollable blood pressure, a fungal blood infection, fluid in the chest cavity and deterioration of alveolae in her lungs etc.. She suffered on the edge of consciousness for days while the doctors tried to fix her poor little 87 year old body, and during a lucid moment asked me how many more hours she had to endure, because she wanted to go. I consented to stopping active treatment and they put her on a morphine drip and moved her to palliative care. Six hours later she passed.
IMHO How and when a person chooses to die should be an individual choice and not the subject of medical, moral, community or christian debate. One should not have to pull a trigger, jump from a building, put on a noose or wear a plastic bag full of noxious chemicals. One should be able to pop a couple of pills and gently slide into darkness with a smile of relief on their face.
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Darn. That is so sad. So sorry that you and your good friend had to go through such suffering.
 
Just sharing some of my experience for the consideration of those that haven’t dealt with circumstances like this. A DNR was contained in the same document granting me medical POA. It is a very strict document. She had a big DNR wrist band and all who attended her were aware of it. My understanding was that it would be activated if she stopped breathing and/or her heart stopped. There were a couple of procedures, designed to help her get better, where the doctors called me and asked my consent to waive the DNR for the duration of the procedure, which I granted.
A separate section of the document covered her desires for treatment in the event she became mentally incapacitated in any way including being brain dead.
All very new to me, but now my missus and I have our forms completed.
 
My wife and I got ours setup a few years ago. Got my Mom to do the forms after my dad passed, but probably need to revisit them. We based hers on the verbiage in ours, which basically said if there was no obvious quality of life, then cut us off. Certainly additional and specific scenarios aren’t a bad thing though. I’ve know some folks that allowed multiple resuscitations in different scenarios also.
 
Ted Calver said:
IMHO How and when a person chooses to die should be an individual choice and not the subject of medical, moral, community or christian debate. One should not have to pull a trigger, jump from a building, put on a noose or wear a plastic bag full of noxious chemicals. One should be able to pop a couple of pills and gently slide into darkness with a smile of relief on their face.
Click to expand...
Agreed. Very much agreed. After living a life of which the great majority is spent as an adult, making adult life decisions, decisions which in many cases can involve life or death possibilities, to take away that last final choice is to put the lie to the entire concept of personal freedom and self direction.
 
My condolences, to you, Ted. Only the greatest of friends, can take on that level of responsibility. Well done,
My mother chose her path, too.After a few years, on dialysis, decided to stop. She knew the outcome, as did all of the family.
It is the way it should be.

🙏
 
That is something we all need to address. A DNR and living will is to let you go as peacefully as possible and remove the stress and strain on those in charge of your health at the end. Doctor and also hospital are always questioning me about those important forms.
David
 
Standing in for a dear friend in such a situation is an enormous responsibility. With it comes the trust of a dear friend that one will have the strength of mind to endure adversity, to act with courage and apply a clear mind to act with the deepest compassion. May your heart be light that your dear friend choose wisely and is resting in greater peace thanks to her dear friend.
mike calabrese
 
Sorry for your loss, Ted. It is a sobering responsibility to have to make decisions like that.

Your description of what happened after your friend's surgery brought back memories of what I went through. For almost 8 months after my surgery I dealt with abscess after abscess, fistulas, open wounds, wound vacs and seven hospital stays. I don't know that I was that close to the end but at times I was a very sick puppy. It was almost like I needed to just keep a room at the hospital so often were my visits. I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to heal.

My wife endured all of this and nursed me through it. She learned to pack open wounds and fistulas. She learned how to change the dressing for the wound vac. She did things that no wife should have to do. We kept my will, power of attorney and living will on the refrigerator during this time so that emergency personnel would be able to find it. That is a sobering thought. But there is nothing routine about surgery. It is an insult and and an invasion to your body and your body is not the same as everyone elses. Nobody reads the long list of potentials that are on the consent forms for surgery. You may not have any of them occur or you might have one occur and that is all it takes under the right circumstances. All I can say it you better get your mind right and your affairs in order. You never know.
 
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