The Chili CookOff.....

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42
If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .


Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
 
:D :D :D :D

Man that's a great one. Seen it somewhere before :confused: but can't remember where.
 
Dennis,

Nice way to make a first impression here. I had a hard time getting all the way through it, since I couldn't read through the tears in my eyes! :D

Thanks...
- Marty -
 
I find that the language used here is crude and rude enough that I object to this type of post.

Please know that there is no single word used here that I would wish to have banned from use on this forum, but all words can be used in contexts that are gratuitously colloquial and offensive or expressive of our critical thinking abilities.

The use of the words and phrases;
Screw them.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
…when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself...
Are all used in a context that I find to be offensive.

Sure, I could go to the local taverna right now, hear the same level of communication and not be offended one bit. I am capable of raising most any language-challenged redneck’s thoughtless oratory to a level that gives them pause while I either make my hasty exit or engage them in one more round, but the point IS…

How do we wish to conduct ourselves on this forum???

What level of decorum will we choose as appropriate here?

Frank Chaffee
 
Sheesh......Sorry Frank. I guess I'll stick to serious questions from here on out. My apollogies.

Please delete this thread at my request.
 
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I find that the language used here is crude and rude enough that I object to this type of post.

Please know that there is no single word used here that I would wish to have banned from use on this forum, but all words can be used in contexts that are gratuitously colloquial and offensive or expressive of our critical thinking abilities.

The use of the words and phrases;


Are all used in a context that I find to be offensive.

Sure, I could go to the local taverna right now, hear the same level of communication and not be offended one bit. I am capable of raising most any language-challenged redneck’s thoughtless oratory to a level that gives them pause while I either make my hasty exit or engage them in one more round, but the point IS…

How do we wish to conduct ourselves on this forum???

What level of decorum will we choose as appropriate here?

Frank Chaffee


Frank,

I find your response here VERY INTERESTING, espeecially in light of your response to a similar 'complaint' I attempted to lodge while we were still in our temporary home.

Based on input from Denise, I questioned the appropriateness of a questionable joke that Don posted. Although innocent enough, Denise thought it had no business being posted on a 'family site'. You disagreed, with quite a well thought out explanation.

Yet here you are, complaining about pretty much the same thing, minus the sexual overtones present in Don's joke.

I'm not sure I know where you stand now. Have you had a change of heart?

Confused...
- Marty -
 
I find that the language used here is crude and rude enough that I object to this type of post.

Please know that there is no single word used here that I would wish to have banned from use on this forum, but all words can be used in contexts that are gratuitously colloquial and offensive or expressive of our critical thinking abilities.
Good thing you've never seen the original text of this joke: it would make your head explode. :eek: :D
 
Sheesh......Sorry Frank. I guess I'll stick to serious questions from here on out. My apollogies.
Dennis,
You have no need to apologize or in any way be contrite towards me. Humor plays an important part in our community interactions, and none of us, I expect, wishes to exclude that from our sharing.

To reduce my post which questioned the level and expression of humor we wish to have here to a request for “serious questions”, is completely, I believe, missing the point I wished to make.

Dennis, I brought up those specific points because this forum is very much in a formative stage of development; not because I wish to challenge or dis you, personally, in any way. What we are trying to create here is a clean thinking, sharp witted forum that stimulates persons of all ages today, and will continue to do so for quite some time. My own opinion is that gastronomic distress and the poorly expressed and thinly veiled euphemistic terms you used to describe it may not be the best language for us to use.

Again, just throwing ideas and my opinion out for comment and consideration…

Frank Chaffee
 
Frank,
I'll say it again, lighten up. I fart you we all fart. It a natuaral biological function. If I talk about a pecker head on an electric motor or if I talk about a female or a male connection a I to be censored, these are expressions that are used in the thrades, should they be censored. I can come up with a lot more if you wish and they are all accepable terms.
 
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Frank, if I understand your question correctly, you're simply trying to get clarification of what level of "clean" we intend to enforce on this forum. As you noted, things are in the formative stage here now, and this is a good time to discuss such things. Obviously, it's a tricky question, since "clean" is a very subjective concept.

Personally, I figure I'll sit back and watch the posts, and see what the reactions from the general populace tend to be. (We're trying to let the members themselves form the rules, and in the first few weeks, I anticipate some boundaries will get pushed.) In the case of this thread, the score so far is about seven to two in favor of it being acceptable. Granted, that's a statistically small sample, but there's a definite trend, and it looks like the majority would have the post stay as-is. For the record, I'm the other vote on your side. Although I don't personally find it offensive--racy, yes--when I saw it I wondered if others might be offended.

On the other hand, there's nothing in Dennis' post that's more racy than things that are said on TV at 7:00 PM, so it's not like any of the language would be new or shocking to anyone. Maybe a little outside of some peoples' social norm, but for most, I'd think not. I don't think the general membership is striving for a Pollyanna environment, but we'll see in time.

- Vaughn
 
OK, I'm going to wade in here (watch out for the waves guys!)

Frank has a point, but I think this whole thing can be taken too far, I thought the chilli thing was funny, and I think that with a very slight edit, I'd tell it to my wife or kids and they would be laughing really hard (I was going to say laughing their ____ off, but changed my mind ;) ).

I think that we DO need to be watchful of this kind of thing, but I DON'T think that this one meets that standard.

One more thing, which is really a small point, but I will bet that Dennis, DID not write that (sorry buddy, I think you funny, but not that good ;) :D ) I will bet that he cut and pasted it and thus the language is not his, but he did post it.

With some very small edits, would this past muster on all fronts?


Here, let me give it a shot.........

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy COW, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look BEAUTIFUL ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! (Delete-- Is chili an aphrodisiac? --Delete)



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. (Delete-- Screw them.--Delete)



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I POOPED MY PANTS when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. MY BOTTOM IS ON FIRE!!



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.

DARN IT; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

How is that....? :D

BTW, some people would find the mention of the consumtion of beer offensive, and I'm sure that Judge#3 calling Texans "crazy" would also offend some......... right?

I'm not trying to attack anyone here, the one thing I'll point out is that we are having a discussion on this, there is no editing of posts, or threads being locked going on here, there are the types of things we need to hash out, so I'll thank Frank for bringing it up, and I'll thanks Dennis for the good laugh.

Cheers!
 
[personal opinion alert]

Since you asked, Stu...although the joke's less likely to be objectionable, I think the edit knocks some of the wind out of it. To me, a large part of the humor is the panic in the escalating foul-mouthedness. Also, some of the words you used as replacements reflect the fact that you're raising adolescent daughters. :) My live-in 84-year-old MIL talks and acts about like an adolescent daughter, so I have some experience in that area. :D To me, saying "bottom" instead of "butt" feels condescending, and to a certain extent more objectionable. Still, in your circumstances, I can see why it's a natural replacement. Same thing with "poop" vs. "crap". It really is a fine line, and one that differs for each individual. (Nowadays I'm pretty sure you could hear any of these words in a Disney movie.)

I'd be interested in seeing other peoples' thoughts on this subject. And I also thank Dennis for the funny joke, and Frank for bringing up something we do need to hash out. Like Stu said, so far we're proving it can be discussed in a civil manner.

[/personal opinion alert]

Now you kids get off my lawn! :p

- Vaughn
 
Actually my point in an attempt to edit is was to illustrate that no matter how you edit it, some one can still take offence if they wish to.

Cheers!
 
I think that the words used in the original posted by Dennis are OK and they sound authentic. I enjoyed reading the joke as it was written and find it better than Stu's edited version. If my grandchildren could understand it, I would have no trouble reading the original version to them. They certainly would understand the words 'butt' and 'fart'.

I should let you know where I am comming from because it might give my position more weight. I never swear and I usually find swearing to be offensive (and, futhermore, a strong indication that the person who is doing the swearing has an inadequate vocabularly). By the way, although I would not use the words 'butt' and 'fart', I do not consider them to be swearing.
 
okay, i`ll copy-n-paste my earlier take........dennis, i laughed my ---off!

my opinion is that as long as we decide that an off topic forum is something that we as a group want/need then this would be appropriate there. tod




Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 1:25 am Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my opinion on the joke is that although i do find it appropriate for most folks with even a halting command of the english language who where raised outside the convent or monastery.......i can see where it serves no purpose in a family orriented woodworking forum.
here`s a bit of my rational.....folks like me who can make a seasoned sailor blush refrain from posting in my normal conversational tone for the simple reason that i sincerely hope that down the road this forum as well as my posts on it will become a one of a kind educational resource that both the prim-n-propper and the folks like me can comfortably refer to for woodworking knowledge. even though most of us are a bunch of "good ol` boys" who`s to say that sometime in the future mr. and mrs. jones don`t choose to use parts of the forum to help educate their home-schooled kids? or that the granny smith brigade decides to give up knitting and take up turning or carving?
my voice is only worth the breath to express it but do we as woodworkers want to invest our time and knowledge in a "good ol` boys" forum or in a "family friendly" forum?
phrased another way......is it worth our effort to debate whether or not we should have an off topic forum included in a woodworking forum? it may cause some sort of male bonding just due to the nature of being "off topic" but how do jokes and or the opinions of sporting events pertain to woodworking? the stock arguement will be that by having an off topic forum we will gain better knowledge of our fellow woodworkers and build a stronger community.............again, a community of good ol` boys or a community of familys?

i ain`t voting on this one.........tod
 
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