Need some words of wisdom to help me with my kids

Rob Keeble

Member
Messages
12,633
Location
GTA Ontario Canada
Ok i need all the bits of advice i can get before i go crazy.

I got two boys...one 17 and other 23. These guys are making this old school boy nuts....how do i get the 23 yr old to move out? Younger one will go to University in 2 months time..so i gotta deal with the older one.
I had about as much as i can handle of this generation of spoilt brats. I cannot get Swmbo to see that her ways are just adding to the kids problems and bad behavior.
I come to believe humans see kindness as being soft and weak and will extort all they can like monkeys till there aint no more.
There has to be some line in the sand and i gotta draw it out clearly.
Where in the world do you get to stay at home do as you like come and go not contribute and complain when the food aint to your liking or your x item aint all washed and ironed ready for you to wear. Dont clean up or pick up or wash up or squat ....
I was not cut out for kids.......i aint got the patience for this....

This in my view is a function of spare the rod spoil the child. Some you cannot reason with. :(

I am all ears to solutions so please pass out the parenting secrets.



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1. negotiate with your wife as to what rules you can both live with
2. present those rules to sons with clear explanation of consequences should they not be followed
3. enforce consequences
4. repeat as many times as necessary

If you have a 23 year old loafer in your home, doing little or nothing to help run the household, what does his mother feel about it?
 
Rob ya need a team effort if your spouse isn't on board with you ya are not gonna win.

Another yep. Gotta be a team and present a united front.

My three were all given the same options at the end of high school.
  1. Go out into the world an make your own way
  2. Go on to college and we will help as best we can
  3. Join the military
Interestingly enough, each chose a different path.

When two came back home, a year apart (after we moved to Idaho and they wanted to come west and start new lives), they were each given the same deal. We will house you and feed you for free for 6 months. During that time you must find work, find your own transportation, and a place to live. At the end of the 6 months, if these terms had not been met, we would help them locate a nice cardboard box and a bridge to put it under.

Fortunately, neither of them put us to the test. Both had met the terms and moved out inside of 5 months.
 
Dear Mrs. Rob,

From a female perspective, I'd like to present some thoughts for you to consider. I only know your husband through this board but it occurs to me that you chose a life spouse pretty well. He is willing to raise productive , contributing children into responsible caring adults. For the rest of us in the world, that would be a good thing. But birds that never leave the nest will never fly. They won't find nice girls, marry and present you with grandchildren. They won't find nice girls because nice girls expect a grownup when they marry. They expect a partner, not a servant. Your boys, never mind their age, are still boys. Even birds in the wild shove their young out of the nest to learn to fly. I would bet a bundle that you love them and believe you are doing the best for them. As hard as it is, you are harming them for life. And you are putting way more stress on your partnership with your husband than is good for either one of you. You may not care for yourself, maybe not even for your husband, but you are crippling your sons. I'll even bet that was not in your plan. I am nearly 70 years old and I would have loved to find a man for a life partner who was grown up, but the one I married had a mother who enabled him to remain a child his entire life, and he did not love her for it, because he had never learned how to be unselfish enough to love someone else, not even his mother. I had to divorce him to literally save my own life. I grow into older age alone, and it ain't fun. Your boys need the pride of self-accomplishment learned through the storms of their own lives. Give them the gift of learning to mature. Give them the gift of someday enjoying the love of a good woman, perhaps even to raise children you would be proud of. Allow them to live through the consequences of their own actions and decisions. It is painful to watch but it is the greatest give of love you can bestow. You have my prayers.
 
I'd have to give another 'yep', need some common actions moving forward and to be consistent in executing them. We've got our youngest living at home and her time here will be coming to an end, at least that is my plan. Ironically, in talking with my wife, she actually wants our daughter out more than I do. Though we have that common idea, our ideas of getting from point A to point B vary widely. I'm a very straight shooting person and feel one needs to learn to swim by just jumping in and testing the water (though I'm not sure I practice it as often as I should). My wife sees the "issues" my daughter has in moving forward, they are a lot a like in many ways.

To add, over the years I've had to re-construct my relationship with my daughter several times. Not in that we don't get along, but to get on common ground and build trust. I've learned that she will work hard and will be loyal to someone she feels comfortable with. Me taking the time to get her past the fears of "what if" and making her feel comfortable and confident goes a long ways. As you know, we started the PB business to give her an avenue to make money and perhaps eventually run the business. I'm finding, though it's not gone as smoothly or flowing as I hoped all would, I've started to see her strengths and where she needs work going forward. My wife, also being involved, has gotten a view of how I work and been able to provide feedback and insight to help change some of my perceptions to help with getting our daughter past some of her hurdles. Also, more and more I'm seeing that my daughter doesn't have an agenda to do nothing and live at home. She actually just doesn't have a plan and may not intend on making one, I'm pretty sure that I didn't at her age. Looking back I was given a nudge that I was willing to follow and I only followed it as I trusted the person nudging me.
 
well rob, youhave had some good advice and i applaud carols post.. she said like it is.. and from the lady's side of things.. as for me and mine well they were around 23 and 25 or there abouts.. and it took me that long to get mom to see that they wernt getting better.. we did charge them to tlive at home and they had chores but the job and then the guy is what finally got them out.. and the only good thing about being home that long is that mom and dad got to have them just bit longer but it was two edged sword.. it cut deep when they left and it cut deep when they were there doing not as we wished.. but the two moons finally collided and they were out in the world flying by them selves in there own part of life.. bottom line though is you need to get her to see it.. til then you wont succeed..
 
I'll add another yep...
we 'solved' this by moving to VA, leaving the two boys in the house in NY... at the time it seemed fiscally sound, two boys, plus one girlfriend (now daughter in law) with a little help from mom & dad ought to have made a go of it, instead, the eldest 24 and gf moved out in October... middle son was 18 at the time, and he had a couple of buddies move in and help with things... however the eldest still needs a bit more 'help' than I am able to give him. He does seem to be 'getting' it finally, I suppose being on the dole and having a wife and newborn serves as a pretty harsh wake up call. Tears your heart out to see that happen , but nothing we could say or do would change his mind on things.
The 18 yr old is working, has his own pickup and contributes to the household as much as he can. The 13 yr old is watching the older two and while still a 'kid' is going to be our entrepeneur.

Rob, just take it one day at a time, keep toe-ing the line with the kids and negotiate a better united front with the wife... then work together on the kids. Until those last two happen, nothing will change.
 
You arent alone, there are more children still living at home in their twenties then I believe anytime in history right now.
(at least thats all I keep reading)
There are no easy solutions.

I believe its a combination of staying patient, but still being stern and direct.
 
Does the 23 year old have any employable skills?, university degree?, own transportation? Times are tough and the job market is crappy. If he is trying hard to find work that will let him be independent, I'd be tempted to cut him some slack, with the understanding that a few things have to change while he looks. If he has no marketable skills he needs to go back to school or join the military....either choice will help him get on track.
 
Well once again our forum has shown the calibre of people we have here.
Thank you all every single one of you. And Carol...those are the best words i have heard in a long time. Thank you.
Thanks for all the pms too.

i agree and appreciate the need to get Swimbo on the same page but its never gonna happen. Like mother like daughter.They both love the word "ag shame" ...etc

Allen you hit the nail on the head. I think the problem is far bigger than we hear about.

There is not a family we know both here and those we still have contact with back in SA where this is not an issue.

I gotta tell you guys...me i am a pretty simple guy. I still believe in what today is called old fashioned ideas....keep getting told not to live in the past..well sorry thats who i am and i aint gonna give up these attributes until i get taken off this planet by the big guy.
Honesty
Loyalty
Faith
Values...hard work...never killed no one.
Traditions
Principles of justice, fairness, evenhandedness
Respect, manners.
Greeting people in the morning and before bed etc
Holding a door for another.
Etc.


All these abstract concepts that money cannot buy that no one can take from you. I dont mind if i am teased about these things i dont accept that these concepts have to go by the way just because we got text twitter facebook or computers.

When i was finished high school back in those days we all did compulsory military service. I came away after experiencing a few suicides thinking this is wrong it aint for just everyone. There needs to be some screening of sorts.

However many years later i am having completely different thoughts. I think that national service saved more young men than it lost except there are no stats to prove my theory.

I remember the issues the military had back then with mothers and the extent they would go to.
But for so many it broke the umbilical cord and let the boys grow up. Learning to make their own bed, clean up and keep their room clean under arduous conditions, washing their own clothes ...by hand and ironing their own shirts and pants. Learning to look after kit or face the consequence. Learning to eat whats on your plate and not pull up your nose at good food.

I cannot help but think we could do with some sort of setup like this today. It dont have to involve getting blown up by landmines.

Sorry for the rambling but its painful to see kids become this way.

I will get the whole house sale out the way and then its gonna be time for some serious talk. Lifes too short to put up with moral hazard.

Thanks all for sharing your experiences its comforting to know i aint alone.

We got a special place here when you look at the replies i got. I agree with what ya all have said.

Well they say tough times never last but tough people do....another bump in the road...;)

Thanks again.

Sent from my MB860 using Tapatalk 2
 
Lots of good comments here.

I think it is very important for a young man to move out and live alone for a while. He needs to learn how to manage his household budget. He needs to learn how to vacuum and clean the toilet in his place. He needs to learn how to shop for groceries and eat what he makes. He needs to learn self-reliance -- if he doesn't do it, it's not going to get done. I learned this myself, when I moved out to my own place, and I've heard from countless other people how valuable a life lesson it is.
 
Rob ya need a team effort if your spouse isn't on board with you ya are not gonna win.

Another ditto on this!

I didn't have an issue with any of my kids not wanting to leave home. A couple of them have indicated they might like to move back home while they get their lives on track. That is not an option! I explained that I went through tough times also and survived. They need to do the same. Getting a handout from mommy and daddy won't teach them an important life lesson!!! Tough love? Yep, yep and yep!!!
 
I can't give you any advice as I have no kids, but knowing that here the tendency is to stay at parent's home until 30 or 35, I would say that you would be a lucky man if they moved out in one or two years.

Cost of living and unemployement, do make things worse but 3-4 years ago when there was no crisis, it was the same. Having a regular income even if low, but being fed, clothes washed and ironed and home made meals,and all those sweet advantages of living with a loving and caring mom are difficult to leave when the option are re-heated pizzas, shabby clothing, and responsabilities to fulfill.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not defending that approach at all.
 
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