I need some humor today to see the brighter side of life

Rob Keeble

Member
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Location
GTA Ontario Canada
Com ya all bring out them jokes and funny stories.

I need the family today to pile on some of humorous side to life to help take the load off today.

Feeling the strain of immigration today.

getting simply put "sucks"
 
Here ya go! Saw this on another forum.

Check email address before you hit send!

A couple was going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.



:)Ike
 
Well, I just got done with renewing my CPR certification and this joke always comes to mind so had just shared it with a fellow teacher. Hope you are feeling more positive Rob. Feel free to pm me. Don't know why I lean towards hillbilly jokes!???!??

Two Hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparant that she is in real distress.
One of the Hillbilies looks at her and says,
"Kin ya Swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes hers head no.

The Hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt check a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breath, the Hillbilly walks back slowly to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd Heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'
 
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
 
On the topic of immigration...

A boy and his father (new immigrants in Canada), were visiting a shopping centre. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father:

"What is this, Dad?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful and attractive 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father shouts to his son: "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"
 
My favorite and I 've been telling it for nearly 40 years....

Two Irish drinking buddies sitting in a pub.....

One looks at the other says "Patrick me friend....when I die would you do me but one wee favor?"

The other responds "Aye Michael! What be that?"

The first one replies..."Would you but pour a quart of fine Irish whiskey over me grave?"

The 2nd responds "Aye Michael....but you would mind if I passed through me kidneys first?"
 
HI All

Well I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the humor you guys took time out to send my way. I cannot tell you just how much I appreciate it and appreciate being a member of this fine group of people.

The words "aint it good to know you got a friend came to mind when I saw the humor yesterday. Oh that and I cannot get Monty out of my head Ted and there is an email or two that I cannot stop laughing about sure helps one "look on the brighter side of life.

All I can say is a big Thank you.:thumb:
 
Hey Rob, I sure get a kick out of what comes out of the mouth of babes. We found out this last week that we are going to become grandparents. So I tell my 4 yr. old. "Lauren, you are going to be an aunt this Fall" She looked at me with a look of consternation and says, " I don't want to be a ant, I want to be a butterfly".
 
Paul that's just too funny I remember becoming an uncle when I was around 8 years old. Really felt strange. :)

But your words had me thinking back to the days of radio I know you guys had the guy on TV well we had to make do with the audio only version. LOL

Art Linkletter had a radio show ( I guess this was specifically packaged for the foreign market dunno) that in our territory was called something like "Art Linkletter and the kids of the USA". Man I remember tuning into that on Sat mornings and laughing my head off.
In hindsight I am not sure it was a great show to export since it left a pretty negative image behind of American kids. I know it was a comedy but many did not. LOL they were the loosers.
 
Some "out of the mouth of kids" humor?

We have twin 3 year old granddaughters and with them in our youngest son's family, his household will never have a dull moment.

An example:

He graduated from dental school in December on a Navy scholarship and the Navy transferred him from Houston, TX to Norfolk, VA. His wife drove her car with the kids in it. He drove their Toyota 4-Runner towing a small trailer with basic furniture necessities in it. They made the initial transfer to Norfolk. His home in Houston still need some minor touchup work (he's still recovering from the damage from the hurricane a few years ago) so he left his wife and 3 kids in Norfolk and flew back to Houston to work on the house.

His wife was driving in Norfolk, the 3 year old twins and their 7 month old brother in the car seats in the back seat when another driver forced her off the road. She drove the car up over the curb, damaging the underside of the car, sideswiped a lightpole and came to a stop. Out of the back seat came a small voice...."Do again Mommy!"

Everything is a matter of perspective!
 
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out of the mouth of babes?

when my son attended his first year of college, he was already considered a sophmore. He received all kind of scholarships, long story short, he was and still is a very bright kid.
but even bright kids say the funniest things.
He took his car to school, and since he was only 4 hours away, he used to drive home whenever he had time or a break.
And he always took a few fellow students back home and brought them back up again, since freshman werent allowed cars on campus, but he had that privilege.
I used to pay for everything, including gasoline and tolls.
I suggested to him its ok to ask friends to chip in a little for gasoline and tolls since he(meaning me) flips the bill for every trip.
He then told me, Ill ask them for gas money, but not toll money, easy pass pays the tolls.
 
So this woman walks into a bar with a duck. She sits down at the bar and places the duck on the stool next to her and calls for the tender.
Before he opens his mouth she says

"just give me a beer, something imported, and my friend will just have a small bowl of water."

the bar tender looks the two of them over and exclaims

"we don't serve filthy animals like that in this bar. you'll have to go someplace else. "

to which the woman replies

"oh come now. its just a duck"

and the bar tender says.

"hey! I was talking to the duck. not about it!"
 
Peta meets bikers?

Don't know if this is true or no but Funny Story anyway!

Peta meets bikers?

Activists Missing After Declaring “War on Leather” at Motorcycle Rally

Posted on January 07, 2010
Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.

“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, ‘You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because he said his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.
 
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